My sisters wedding

Ever wish you could just forget?

I have come to realize in recent months that I wish I could just forget things. I am able to forgive, but the forget part is beyond me. And the forget is what is hurting me now. I wish that I could forget things that have happened to me. I wish that I could forget hurt, betrayal, and everything else associated with that, but I just can't seem to.

I used to know I wanted to be a wife and a mother. The only things that I know about myself right now is that I want to be loved as I am and that I can't imagine ever wanting to bring a child into my twisted and unforgetting life. I would make a horrible mother...I am just so angry all the time. But I have spent my whole life being told that I need to "control my anger". Honestly it only makes it worse. All it does is build up and make me sick.

Why am I sick all the time? Because stress is eating me alive. I try yoga, meditation, journaling, medication, anything that is supposed to "help". I have done all I can on this front. Its out of my hands. I want to want to get out of bed. I want to want to be happy. There is a large part of me that feels I must not deserve it. I work hard taking care of people around me...family, friends, my patients. But it never seems enough. Work harder. Give up everything you want for the ones you love. Be what everybody else wants you to be.

I want to be happy for myself. I genuinely want to be happy, but it seems that the things that hurt me in the past have a way of creeping up and choking me with remembrance. I am tired, so very tired of remembering. I am tired, so very tired of the hurt. I am tired, so very tired of not being able to let it go and not effect my current life which should by all means be considered a good life.

Things could be worse. It just seems that my heart hurts all the time...from family, love, and friendships.

I try to put on the "happy face" and be okay with all that life has dealt me, but honestly...I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. I put on a smile and do my best to fake it for the rest of the world. Its only the closest to me that get the backlash of holding in the anger and frustration. I try not to unload on them, but it always seems to come out. I am so tired of people telling me to be happy with what I have. What is that exactly? I give of myself to everyone around me, and yet I am not allowed to expect the same in return.

I want the life I deserve, and am tired of waiting for it. When do good deeds come to fruition? When does giving fully of yourself to others enable them to give fully of themself to you? What is the "right time" for anything? Is there really any such thing as a "right time"? The right time to love. The right time to leave. The right time to just give up. The right time to move. The right time to cut ties with something that kills you. The right time to quit smoking. The right time to say I love you.

I thought a long time ago that it was the "right time" to get married. I was wrong...twice. I thought a long time ago that I knew who I was and what I wanted to do. Again I was wrong. I thought a long time ago I knew who my "friends for life" were, but again I was wrong. I thought I knew what unconditional love was, but I was wrong.

This has been a tough and stressful couple of months. Just when I think I know something, I am reminded of my failures over and over again. I am reminded of my imperfections over and over. Again I ask, who am I? Where do I want to be? What do I want? Hell if I know...I give up.

I have had many people tell me that I am "important" and that they "care". But most of them left. Why shouldn't I believe the same of everyone else? Whenever I really need someone, there is just me. I can't fix me. God knows I have tried. I just hope that someday, God sees fit to help me find my path...the part that I am supposed to play.

Let life continue to shit in my direction and I will continue to sift through it and do as I need to do. Hopefully one day the shit pile will be small enough, that I will feel like I have finally succeeded at something.

More vacationing!!

Wow, this year has been great thus far. I have been able to do more this year than I have in the past 10! I am loving it. I have gone to Houston to see Court, I am going with him next month to Mexico for a long weekend, and then going to Europe for 2 weeks in January with my friend Jessica. I can hardly stand it having to wait! I deserve all of this happiness. I work hard, and I have definitely given up plenty in the past. Now its time to reap the benefits of all of my hard work. I am probably going to go to Houston a few more times and I am going tubing with friends on the 23rd of this month. Its going to be a blast. I will post more pics as I get them, but here are the ones from my Houston trip.

I guess it is hereditary...

So we always give Inie a hard time because she worries WAY too much, but now we have to lay off a little. While my parents, and aunts/uncles have been out of town, we have been checking in with Inie more frequently so she wouldn't feel lonely. Well, she is notorious for not checking her "man answering machine" which is just a voicemail box set up by the phone company. She has a regular answering machine that she does check. Well, there were a couple of days there where we were calling and calling and getting no response so Paige and I began to get worried. My grandmother is not in the best health, and her life alert is set to call my parents...who are in Alaska. Well, she has some neighbors that check in on her regularly, so Paige tracked them down (don't know how, we don't know thier last name). We were a bit stalkerish. Ha ha. Come to find out, Aunt Dodie and Uncle Bill had come back in town and picked her up and she was at thier house. Funny stuff!! I guess we are all a bunch of worriers after all. Paige even gave Inie a lecture. HA HA!! We are usually the ones getting the lectures. I love it :)

Article that my Dad is mentioned in...

Here is the article that my Dad is mentioned in. It is so crazy to think that this story is really about MY Dad. Anyways....just thought I would share.

PANTHERS MEET DEAD GUY IN SAN ANTONIO WHAT A GREAT REUNION! Perfect blend of events and free time. Kudos to Dana and his Reunion Committee for the planning and execution of the Reunion and the EC for their strong financial control of it. Well done all. The Panther STICKITT INN was outstanding this year. As usual we rented a Suite, stocked it with beer, wine and camaraderie. Thirty six of us attended this year bringing another 75-100 family members and guests along for the fun. The Suite was electric every night., especially Saturday evening. We had invited John Plaster, a Vietnam veteran with three continuous tours in SOG; also a noted author, Vietnam lecturer, TV commentator, international traveler and bum; to attend as our guest and speak at the Historical Presentation Forum. TWICE! We also invited all the SOG Recon guys living in Texas and the surrounding states to attend. Ten joined us at the Banquet. What a rush. After the Banquet we went upstairs to the STICKITT INN. Must have been over 75 people there including two prisoners of war talking about their trip up the Ho Chi Minh Trail, SOG Team leaders discussing missions with the actual pilots that inserted and extracted them, Woody behind the bar discussing trips to Bangkok with Lash and John and Fearless recalling the battle of Tanh Canh. What a rush. I just sat back and enjoyed the camaraderie that the VHPA Reunion provided for me. And we also met a DEAD GUY. Jim/Fred Morse ( his name is Jim but he was known as Fred in the Army so I call him Jim/Fred ) was a SSGT One Zero ( Team leader) for RT Alabama. He was on his last mission across the border before going home. His team was on a mission to locate and tap a commo wire. As he was applying the tap, his team was assaulted by a platoon size NVA unit firing AK's and B4 rockets. One exploded at Jim/Fred's feet putting numerous holes in his head, face, shoulders, arms and torso. He fell back. His team members, all also wounded and bleeding, took one look at his body, all bloody and mangled, knew he could not have survived the blast so close and, close to being overrun by a mush larger force themselves, declared a PRAIRIE FIRE and started to evade. The NVA overran the position, looked at Jim/Fred, assumed he was dead from looking at his body, all bloody and mangled, and took off after the fleeing recon team. There were emery to kill and possibly capture. Anyway,they could pick up Jim/Fred's body on their way back. Jim/Fred heard buzzing as he came to. He couldn't see. He raised up on his knees and wiped his eyes. They were cover in blood. He tied a bandana across his forehead to partially stop the bleeding. He heard AK fire in one direction so he decided to go the opposite direction. Weak from loss of blood and his wounds he decided to follow a trail about 100 meters where he collapsed from exhaustion in a small clearing with a small break in the overhead foliage. He hoped a passing aircraft might spot him. He knew he couldn't make it out on his own. Again he heard the buzzing and looked up ad Covey, the AF 0-2 C&C aircraft passed overhead. This gave him the adrenaline rush to pull out a pin flare gun an old SOG friend, Allyn Waggle, had given him right before the mission due to premonition Allyn had that Jim/Fred would need it. He fired a pin flare up through the small hole in hopes Covey would see it. Up above, John Plaster asked his pilot if he also saw the red pin flare. Just to be sure he asked the pilot to wiggle his wings. He called White Lead, a 170th Bikini ship, and asked if he had seen the pin flare. About that time Jim/Fred fired a second pin flare. "Wait one" called White Lead. He came down and hovered over the the spot where the pin flare had come through the hole in the trees. Roger Plasticman, we got him." The Huey couldn't land so the crew dropped an extraction harness down. Using the last of his strength Jim/Fred snapped in and the Huey slowly pulled him up as the NVA opened fire. Covey flew passed Jim/Fred as he dangled 100 feet below the Huey. As he neared Dak To guys could see the blood on his uniform, his eyes rolled back in his head, his teeth chattered and his ashen look from loss of blood. There was no pulse, no way he would survive. Loaded into another Huey he was rushed to the 71st Evac Hospital where he went into a coma. He was near death for several days. When he finally awoke he saw the prettiest butt he had ever seen bending over another patient. He thought if he had died at least he had gone to Heaven. Well, he survived. Took several years of surgery and therapy, though. He owns a ranch near Ft hood. Listening to his tale and knowing the Panthers were involved in saving him. What a rush.