Ever wish you could just forget?

I have come to realize in recent months that I wish I could just forget things. I am able to forgive, but the forget part is beyond me. And the forget is what is hurting me now. I wish that I could forget things that have happened to me. I wish that I could forget hurt, betrayal, and everything else associated with that, but I just can't seem to.

I used to know I wanted to be a wife and a mother. The only things that I know about myself right now is that I want to be loved as I am and that I can't imagine ever wanting to bring a child into my twisted and unforgetting life. I would make a horrible mother...I am just so angry all the time. But I have spent my whole life being told that I need to "control my anger". Honestly it only makes it worse. All it does is build up and make me sick.

Why am I sick all the time? Because stress is eating me alive. I try yoga, meditation, journaling, medication, anything that is supposed to "help". I have done all I can on this front. Its out of my hands. I want to want to get out of bed. I want to want to be happy. There is a large part of me that feels I must not deserve it. I work hard taking care of people around me...family, friends, my patients. But it never seems enough. Work harder. Give up everything you want for the ones you love. Be what everybody else wants you to be.

I want to be happy for myself. I genuinely want to be happy, but it seems that the things that hurt me in the past have a way of creeping up and choking me with remembrance. I am tired, so very tired of remembering. I am tired, so very tired of the hurt. I am tired, so very tired of not being able to let it go and not effect my current life which should by all means be considered a good life.

Things could be worse. It just seems that my heart hurts all the time...from family, love, and friendships.

I try to put on the "happy face" and be okay with all that life has dealt me, but honestly...I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. I put on a smile and do my best to fake it for the rest of the world. Its only the closest to me that get the backlash of holding in the anger and frustration. I try not to unload on them, but it always seems to come out. I am so tired of people telling me to be happy with what I have. What is that exactly? I give of myself to everyone around me, and yet I am not allowed to expect the same in return.

I want the life I deserve, and am tired of waiting for it. When do good deeds come to fruition? When does giving fully of yourself to others enable them to give fully of themself to you? What is the "right time" for anything? Is there really any such thing as a "right time"? The right time to love. The right time to leave. The right time to just give up. The right time to move. The right time to cut ties with something that kills you. The right time to quit smoking. The right time to say I love you.

I thought a long time ago that it was the "right time" to get married. I was wrong...twice. I thought a long time ago that I knew who I was and what I wanted to do. Again I was wrong. I thought a long time ago I knew who my "friends for life" were, but again I was wrong. I thought I knew what unconditional love was, but I was wrong.

This has been a tough and stressful couple of months. Just when I think I know something, I am reminded of my failures over and over again. I am reminded of my imperfections over and over. Again I ask, who am I? Where do I want to be? What do I want? Hell if I know...I give up.

I have had many people tell me that I am "important" and that they "care". But most of them left. Why shouldn't I believe the same of everyone else? Whenever I really need someone, there is just me. I can't fix me. God knows I have tried. I just hope that someday, God sees fit to help me find my path...the part that I am supposed to play.

Let life continue to shit in my direction and I will continue to sift through it and do as I need to do. Hopefully one day the shit pile will be small enough, that I will feel like I have finally succeeded at something.